2.

At times I feel as though I can't not say what I wish to speak. I am prone to properness and mystery-but only because the world makes me think I should be. What's so wrong with being depressed? Especially about losing a parent. Losing a best friend. Losing your inspiration. People make me feel like I should be strong and I should let go. Maybe they're right, but is there really a proper way to go about these things? I can't get a new mother, and I can't bring her back. I can't go back. I put it off for two years. And here I am now, crying myself to sleep every night and continually thinking "this isn't fair" "what am I supposed to do?" "how can I possibly keep going?". All I think about it is the emptiness that now takes over the rooms in my heart. Her face, her hair, her laugh, and soft soft hands. I think about when she used to bring me candy from the store after she got off work-and when I was little that was the best surprise ever. I think about 8th grade and talking to her on the way to school about boys and my friends and all the things I wanted to do when I grew up. I think of all those times she was there for me when I was playing a game of soccer or getting an award in girl scouts, and when my dog died and she just held me tightly like a mother should. I think about the beeping in the hospital and the nurses going in out of her room. I think of the day we talked about death and how she wasn't going to do anything about preventing it anymore. I think about the last time I heard her talk and she told me she loved me very much. And now, two years later I think about her absence in her and my father's life. The lack there of at the dinner table and the comments that are never said in conversation from her end. I think about how I can't call her how I can't talk to her how I can't stare at her when she sleeps because I used as a kid, just so she could see me smiling the moment she opened her eyes. Sometimes I can't breathe and I feel numb all over. I could stare at the wall for hours stuck in euphoria with her on the beach. I've never heard of anyone being so depressed, maybe they just tuck it away like I did these past two years. It's mostly rough when my girl friends talk about their moms and I'm around families that are still whole and happy. I don't know that anything could ever make me feel happy again, and I know many times I've come close to that, but I gently when I think about her I am pulled back into that dark place that I know so well. I guess I like it so much because it's the only way I feel connected to her-because now, there are no new memories, no real way of bringing her up. I know that people are worried, but what do you expect me to do? This isn't a marathon to feel better or forget it all together. I'm not racing to finish. And it's not like I am torturing myself on purpose. I tried to fill this major hole with everything else, but nothing seems to fit. I don't want to be on anti depressants and telling some stranger how I feel wouldn't do much. I feel like I am constantly hyperventilating for happiness to reach me...to save me.