Something like..normal.

It's easier to hide how you feel when you're around people that don't know..they just pass you by on the street or smile at you when your at a party. These people are the easiest to pretend around, for all they know, you always look exhausted or out of it.

It hurts to see moms with their daughters. It hurts so damn much, and all I have are these pictures now.

I guess I'd describe this feeling somewhere between a really bad breakup and almost getting into a major car accident that you missed by an inch.

Maybe I shouldn't tell everyone about how I feel, but what does it matter? I'd rather feel something than walked around holding it in. I'd rather people know I'm just as confused as them, then as held together as we all pretend.

Today felt so normal, this weekend felt so normal. Maybe that's why I freaked. I hadn't crossed paths with normal in a long time.

I was laying there with Matthias, Saturday night, on the couch at his friend's apartment and I wasn't thinking about tomorrow or what happened yesterday or my mom or school or anything like that. I was just there. Smiling. Holding my man's hand. And being kissed on the forehead so treasuredly ( not a word..but that's how it felt). And today I was cleaning with my dad-we were actually working together and getting along. We were laughing and making lunch and playing with the dogs and it just felt, right..for once.

Tonight I went through old boxes of pictures of us as I grew up. Seeing my mother so young reminded me of myself. She must have been so unsure and yet she was willing to go all the way with anything and she certainly didn't quit. Alas, I am a quitter. I seem to quit a lot of things over the years, I'm awfully bad at finishing and sticking to goals. I hate to say it, but I need someone to encourage me a long; I think I'm just made that way, kind of like the rain, I only do so much and you either accept it or shelter yourself from it

I haven't wrote in so long, it feels good to for once.


I can't wait for this weekend, I can't wait to see the love of my life. I can't wait to hold his hand and kiss him....oh, dear god, I am a goner. I've never been so attached to someone in my life, but Matthias is the type of guy I have always dreamt of being attached to, after all he has turned me into mush. I have so many places I want to show him and people for him to meet, but that can't happen in just one weekend, I suppose.