Not being able to tell the people you love and just want to help you, sucks too.
Because they didn't do it, but they don't understand it. No one understands what I feel when I see curly brown hair or when my friends say "my mom does this, it's so annoying" or "she bought me this for my birthday" and all I can do is sit there and force a smile in agreement.
She used to borrow my earrings and wear my perfume, and it always ticked me off. I would get so silently hot headed when the pair I wanted to wear was missing, and in a way, I started to do that to my sister, which just made it worse. I don't even know why it bugged me so much. Now thinking about it, it was so silly. I wish she could still borrow my earrings-they lay on my dresser collecting dust, because I have no drive to wear them, I don't feel special anymore. She always made me feel special, especially when she wanted to be like me and smell like me. We were close and now she's dead.
I thought I wasn't mad at God until I pulled into my old church parkinglot last week and was overcome with so much pain and anger. I think, if there is a God, why didn't he save my mother? What did she do to deserve such a torching death? And why did God save that annoying 60 year old woman who would not shut up about her blessings on the phone ( but less in a humble way and more in a "yeah, I am the best and I'm not surprised because I am super cocky anyways way) while sipping on her fucking mocha latte and didn't tip me? I try not to think about where she could be, I know everyone wants to think she is in heaven, she was a christian, but I still kind of think she is inbetween, like she's watching over me. Sometimes I swear I'm being guarded by some super natural being.
Once, I thought I saw her at a clothing store. My immediate thought was to run to her and embrace her tightly. She sounded like my mother and from the back looked exactly like her, but you could tell, it wasn't her. Her eyes were baggy and she smirked like a slutty old tanning bad nascar watching red neck who drinks too much beer.
I could have had so many more memories with her. I get my wisdom teeth out soon, and she won't be here to tend to me and change out the goze in my mouth or make me soup or give me my meds. She doesn't ask how school is or if I'm going to be home late, I guess I just expect it when get in my car or am about to leave the house. Sometimes I pretend she does ask and I try to think of unique response, or even smart ass ones that I would reply with just to make her smile.
